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I try to be as clear as i can, so i pick my words very carefully, and exactly because of this i get seen as pedantic, acused of using difficult words. Both if i take more or less care with words people understand me less. BOTH! It’s a trap. So maybe it’s just my problem and people will never understand me after all. But also may be that people do not get each other and all the shouting is just a basic cluelessness being callously impinged on everyone else all the time.

Of course, she didn’t want to be a boy. She wanted to be allowed into the world of boys. But she didn’t, couldn’t maybe, ever see that she would do it as a girl. And for her, that world she thought she saw and envied would be a very different world than the one boys are made to live in.

I guess for one she didn’t want her nipples to be squeezed when puberty began making them tingle.

Yes, they did it to me.

And yes, it hurt.

And yes, it was meant to hurt, it was done to me only because it hurt, and it was normal. It was normal to do something just because it hurts. Not that i care too much about nipples, anyway, it is just that this violence was banal. It was not important. My world growing up was full of normal, unremarkable violence. The world of boys is made of this pointless, purposeless violence, this mean teasing.

I am pretty sure the world of the girls is as vicious as this one, as cruel and relentless. It is just cruel in different ways. But it is also much, much more comfortable. And girls don’t, can’t maybe, ever see how much.

Only boys take first steps, only boys ask girls out. Girls can’t, it seems, aren’t allowed. Or maybe (you have to be really inquisitive and throughout in your questioning to find this out) it does not work for them to ask boys out. Except, you see, it does not work for boys, either. But boys are made to stand their frustrations and the countless rejections up to a point where something happens, even though most of the times they are being turned down in the most humiliating ways – since girls think they are all contemptible jerks that deserve it. In Game Theory we learn that exchanges are usually initiated by the more needy side. Boys flirt and brag and get pushy just because it is the only way they will ever receive any kind of attention. But girls still see it as male privilege.

And thus they lock themselves up in a sad game of egotism and meddlesomeness, a cage of which the only way out is pain – they create for themselves a circumstance where from time to time a boy has to come around and slap their faces just to make them feel alive, and even this turns into a form of protection. Their denial of violence is the hallmark of this privilege, and it ends up reinforcing the thorns of their cages.

Girls are protected. Sometimes they are overprotected. And sometimes the overprotection can be a pain. But.

The world of the girls is not a bad one. If it was, someone would have done something about it a long time ago, probably even a man, since girls are usually too lazy – already number one, so why try harder, right?

Boys are not protected, they are left to themselves to face risks, they are even lead into risky behaviour and risky business, usually faster than they are prepared to. But taking risks is the only way to win big, so it might seem, from very far away, that boys have it all. That is just because boys hide their failures and their suffering. Boys don’t cry, they say, some even say that the thing that sucks about being a boy is not being allowed to cry – but really, boys just hide their tears because they have so many of them.

She didn’t want to be a boy. She wanted to be a manly girl, a tough girl. That is a big privilege, a much bigger privilege than being a boy.

[in reply to private feldman]

The French Revolution was a failure.

Of course NOT, no it wasn’t a failure, not exactly, and it all depends on who you ask, and their idea of success. But, generally, no one living through the French Revolution would have given an account of what it was for anywhere near what really ended up happening. Nevertheless, it shaped the world to come, deeply, in complicated ways for sure, but arguably for the better.

I believe the recent (june 2013) protests in São Paulo and the rest of Brazil are the same.
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The penultimate time someone got me breathless i just tried and told her so. And i found out i remained breathless, even though nothing was coming out of that. I could still see life with the enraptured eyes of passion.

This whole affair was a very bad idea. She wasn’t onto me, and even if she was she would not break up with her boyfriend because of it, and even if she did we’d probably not turn out a good match. But then my shrink insisted that i should tell. I insisted back it was not a good idea, but to no avail. So i picked an anti-strategic moment, one that simply could not work (in a PUA sense), an occasion where this could be somewhat like an disinterested transmission of information, and told the girl i was kinda falling for her.

And after that, i was still breathless. I could still see the world full of light, i could still swim into the poetry of the moment. I went walking and the wind in the trees was to me a spectacle.

I turned it into an experiment, about whether we can live life with the same intensity of passion of falling for someone. After a while it waned, and it was extremely tiresome, but what i found out was that in a way my love for this one girl was a part of me, not a part of her. And that there are a lot of demands in love, but apart from all the demands there is something else, a part of loving that does not make any demands, and that this one part of love makes your life more beautiful, and it makes you stronger, even if the other person disappears.

Compare to this other one: I try to kiss a girl, she says “Let’s pretend this never happened!” I had never heard this one, even though it is a fairly default turn down, so what happens is i start lecturing her! Something like: “No, let’s not pretend. I tried to get you. You dumped me. I can live with that. But it did happen. It was part of our lives. Why should we pretend it didn’t happen?” Complete moron, gets turned down and still thinks a lot of himself…

So, anyway, platonic love. It is not a bad thing. But you should tell, you should say to the person anyway, and not try to erase your love, and after you said and you accepted nothing is gonna happen, the feeling will be a strange kind of gratitude and wonderment with the universe.

(By the way, this was the one before the last, the last time the person just came over and picked me up! How awesome is that? And even then, my feeling makes my life better, independent of what the other person feels…)

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