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Tag Archives: relationship advice

(for C.Sch.)

i do not believe
all of this
all of that shit
all the pointless running
     and strife
and all the hurt
     of you trying to own me
even though i would like to be owned
     (some of them want to be abused
     you know?)
i would like to be owned by you
but you
you just didn’t know how to
     own me

if you’re my owner
i don’t have to explain to you
my displeased faces
the cattle does not explain to the shepherd
     their freudian dilemmas
and owning
     is having such strength that you override
     the personhood of the other]

so: i wanted to give myself to you
(and let’s be clear: you was not the only one,
just the latest one, and maybe even
just ’cause my expectations have plunged so low)
but you
couldn’t face the fact
that owning someone is a violence

what do you want me to say?

your life
and your maturity
are not my responsibility
i can’t have anything to do with them
before you
take responsibility for your relationship with me
as an adult

(everyone else does the other way, i know
but those are not relationships
they’re just bumping into each other)

and now i accept your gift
of hopelessness
of knowing that even those
     who say they’re looking for meaning
     are just bumping into each other
knowing that there is no perfect

i accept your gift of pain

2 more years
13 more years
70 maybe
nothing to account for them

being a failure
in everything i always felt important
’cause only you is important to me,
only people
only each and every person i ever met
     (to steal someone else’s words)
and people are only gonna make me suffer

even now that i expect nothing from them
(part of my pain was that you couldn’t really
hurt me
you said all the hurtful things
but so childishly it was like you really just wanted
to disappoint me)

i accept your gift
of yet again
i’m by myself
and that it hurts
and it means i am alive
numbed by your blind brutishness
but alive
still fighting
the blind brutishness of the world

And after all the season was over, the vacations were over, the summer was over, it was all over and he had to go back. She would still keep going, she was still travelling, she actually had more to come back to than he did, but she didn’t care about letting it rest, letting it all wait.

In the distance, his bus appeared out of a turn in the road.

She asked “Are we still gonna see each other?” Read More »

When i was very young, like in kindergarten, it would sometimes pass that i would say something to someone, and she would disagree with me, and she would be totally mistaken, and i would have nothing at all at stake, no reason whatsoever to convince her of anything. Of course this always gets framed in terms of who is right and who is wrong. And i would see that the person was not really worried about understanding me, she just wanted to beat me.

My reaction was always something like: “All right, you can think so now, but i am totally sure that ten years from now you’ll think exactly as i do now.”

Sadly, in my 30s, i realize that when it happens now people will literally die without ever coming around to see their errors. And it’s really sad that in no conceivable perspective they are right, they just are not interested at all in being reasonable.

There is a lot that i could add, and in many ways this whole blog was an attempt to do it, but… It does not help.

It is just sad.

The penultimate time someone got me breathless i just tried and told her so. And i found out i remained breathless, even though nothing was coming out of that. I could still see life with the enraptured eyes of passion.

This whole affair was a very bad idea. She wasn’t onto me, and even if she was she would not break up with her boyfriend because of it, and even if she did we’d probably not turn out a good match. But then my shrink insisted that i should tell. I insisted back it was not a good idea, but to no avail. So i picked an anti-strategic moment, one that simply could not work (in a PUA sense), an occasion where this could be somewhat like an disinterested transmission of information, and told the girl i was kinda falling for her.

And after that, i was still breathless. I could still see the world full of light, i could still swim into the poetry of the moment. I went walking and the wind in the trees was to me a spectacle.

I turned it into an experiment, about whether we can live life with the same intensity of passion of falling for someone. After a while it waned, and it was extremely tiresome, but what i found out was that in a way my love for this one girl was a part of me, not a part of her. And that there are a lot of demands in love, but apart from all the demands there is something else, a part of loving that does not make any demands, and that this one part of love makes your life more beautiful, and it makes you stronger, even if the other person disappears.

Compare to this other one: I try to kiss a girl, she says “Let’s pretend this never happened!” I had never heard this one, even though it is a fairly default turn down, so what happens is i start lecturing her! Something like: “No, let’s not pretend. I tried to get you. You dumped me. I can live with that. But it did happen. It was part of our lives. Why should we pretend it didn’t happen?” Complete moron, gets turned down and still thinks a lot of himself…

So, anyway, platonic love. It is not a bad thing. But you should tell, you should say to the person anyway, and not try to erase your love, and after you said and you accepted nothing is gonna happen, the feeling will be a strange kind of gratitude and wonderment with the universe.

(By the way, this was the one before the last, the last time the person just came over and picked me up! How awesome is that? And even then, my feeling makes my life better, independent of what the other person feels…)


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