Of course, she didn’t want to be a boy. She wanted to be allowed into the world of boys. But she didn’t, couldn’t maybe, ever see that she would do it as a girl. And for her, that world she thought she saw and envied would be a very different world than the one boys are made to live in.
I guess for one she didn’t want her nipples to be squeezed when puberty began making them tingle.
Yes, they did it to me.
And yes, it hurt.
And yes, it was meant to hurt, it was done to me only because it hurt, and it was normal. It was normal to do something just because it hurts. Not that i care too much about nipples, anyway, it is just that this violence was banal. It was not important. My world growing up was full of normal, unremarkable violence. The world of boys is made of this pointless, purposeless violence, this mean teasing.
I am pretty sure the world of the girls is as vicious as this one, as cruel and relentless. It is just cruel in different ways. But it is also much, much more comfortable. And girls don’t, can’t maybe, ever see how much.
Only boys take first steps, only boys ask girls out. Girls can’t, it seems, aren’t allowed. Or maybe (you have to be really inquisitive and throughout in your questioning to find this out) it does not work for them to ask boys out. Except, you see, it does not work for boys, either. But boys are made to stand their frustrations and the countless rejections up to a point where something happens, even though most of the times they are being turned down in the most humiliating ways – since girls think they are all contemptible jerks that deserve it. In Game Theory we learn that exchanges are usually initiated by the more needy side. Boys flirt and brag and get pushy just because it is the only way they will ever receive any kind of attention. But girls still see it as male privilege.
And thus they lock themselves up in a sad game of egotism and meddlesomeness, a cage of which the only way out is pain – they create for themselves a circumstance where from time to time a boy has to come around and slap their faces just to make them feel alive, and even this turns into a form of protection. Their denial of violence is the hallmark of this privilege, and it ends up reinforcing the thorns of their cages.
Girls are protected. Sometimes they are overprotected. And sometimes the overprotection can be a pain. But.
The world of the girls is not a bad one. If it was, someone would have done something about it a long time ago, probably even a man, since girls are usually too lazy – already number one, so why try harder, right?
Boys are not protected, they are left to themselves to face risks, they are even lead into risky behaviour and risky business, usually faster than they are prepared to. But taking risks is the only way to win big, so it might seem, from very far away, that boys have it all. That is just because boys hide their failures and their suffering. Boys don’t cry, they say, some even say that the thing that sucks about being a boy is not being allowed to cry – but really, boys just hide their tears because they have so many of them.
She didn’t want to be a boy. She wanted to be a manly girl, a tough girl. That is a big privilege, a much bigger privilege than being a boy.
[in reply to private feldman]