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The penultimate time someone got me breathless i just tried and told her so. And i found out i remained breathless, even though nothing was coming out of that. I could still see life with the enraptured eyes of passion.

This whole affair was a very bad idea. She wasn’t onto me, and even if she was she would not break up with her boyfriend because of it, and even if she did we’d probably not turn out a good match. But then my shrink insisted that i should tell. I insisted back it was not a good idea, but to no avail. So i picked an anti-strategic moment, one that simply could not work (in a PUA sense), an occasion where this could be somewhat like an disinterested transmission of information, and told the girl i was kinda falling for her.

And after that, i was still breathless. I could still see the world full of light, i could still swim into the poetry of the moment. I went walking and the wind in the trees was to me a spectacle.

I turned it into an experiment, about whether we can live life with the same intensity of passion of falling for someone. After a while it waned, and it was extremely tiresome, but what i found out was that in a way my love for this one girl was a part of me, not a part of her. And that there are a lot of demands in love, but apart from all the demands there is something else, a part of loving that does not make any demands, and that this one part of love makes your life more beautiful, and it makes you stronger, even if the other person disappears.

Compare to this other one: I try to kiss a girl, she says “Let’s pretend this never happened!” I had never heard this one, even though it is a fairly default turn down, so what happens is i start lecturing her! Something like: “No, let’s not pretend. I tried to get you. You dumped me. I can live with that. But it did happen. It was part of our lives. Why should we pretend it didn’t happen?” Complete moron, gets turned down and still thinks a lot of himself…

So, anyway, platonic love. It is not a bad thing. But you should tell, you should say to the person anyway, and not try to erase your love, and after you said and you accepted nothing is gonna happen, the feeling will be a strange kind of gratitude and wonderment with the universe.

(By the way, this was the one before the last, the last time the person just came over and picked me up! How awesome is that? And even then, my feeling makes my life better, independent of what the other person feels…)

The reliably unpredictable esr implies in a post about his old cat that the essence of relationships is the attachment:

Of course, the cost of having a pet who’s such a paragon is that it will be more wrenching to lose her. A Buddhist would say that you can avoid grief only by not being attached, but how do can do that when the meaning of a relationship is all about the attachment? None of the complexities and distances of a bond with another human save us here; Sugar’s willingness to love and be loved is so simple, so unstinting, that it would feel evil to try to put protective emotional distance between ourselves and her, even though we know her death is otherwise likely to leave a painful hole in our lives.

(Emphasis mine). If you don’t attach yourself, then you have no relationship. It pains me a little to hear something like this, and i’ve heard versions of it often, because i try hard not to attach. I do think that attachments create sorrow. I do live by the idea that expectations create all sorrow, and i do put a lot of energy into avoiding both myself from having expectations and other people from expecting anything of me.

And even then i still believe i have relationships, though i am painfully aware many people don’t understand my idea of a relationship and many more do actually think it is coward or cruel of me to have such an attitude. Read More »

{Note: i’m out of net these days, all my writing will be at cafés, and this means i wont be writing all that much, which pains me since i was having an upsurge in my access counts, but le sigh…}

If you believe in love you are disrespectful of your fellow human being.

The thing is that what N person feels for you is very different from what M person does, which is different from P or Q and so on and so on. If you can’t see just how different, it means you have not been paying much attention to any of them. And have i mentioned those are people very much into you? If you can’t pay a modicum of attention to those, this means you don’t mind seeing other people suffer. This might come from not seeing them as full human beings, or from disrespect for the awareness of being alive (which by the way probably means you are not very much aware yourself…), or from… Who knows?

People are complicated. Very. And those simple, straightforward categories like «love», «egoism», «goodness» and so on are just too simplistic to be used with humans. Or dolphins for that matter.

It’s easy to think that, once you begin thinking about open relationships and gender issues and these kinds of stuff, that you become different from the “vast majority”. So for example, if i don’t want to, as usually said in Brazil, “marry on church”, meaning a traditional form of marriage, then i am the exception and not the rule.

The problem is: This is just not so. Everyone loves in a post-modern way. Read More »