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If sex is extremely important to us, human primates, then desiring sex with someone should be desiring something important. Instead, sexual desire is said to be a shallow desire.

As if sex did not involve emotions, as if caring for someone and feeling his pleasure were somehow not almost the same thing.

Another interpretation is that sex touches us so deeply that we must paint it as shallow in order not to betray our own deep secret natures.

Say for example someone cared more for fucking than for studying. But he knows that saying so is not seen well. So he goes on saying that studying is so very nice, that he loves it so much, in order to be able to have more fucking. And he might even be afraid to give the impression that he is faking it, so he will be very emphatic about saying sex is not as important as study. If most people liked fucking more than studying, than one possible outcome is that everyone would be trying to seem like they like to study. Sounds absurd at first glance, because everyone is lives the lie while at the same time knowing it is false, but if you think about it, it starts to make too much sense.

It is even more complicated than that, however, because becoming too emotional in sex is seen as naïve, as something that people not used to sex seem to do. So if everyone has less sex than they desire, then everyone would try to look the opposite, would try to seem detached, would try to pretend that they can have sex without any emotional attachment whatsoever.

And it is even more complicated than that, because if we assume other people will be avoiding emotional attachment in sex, even though we get attached, and even though we actually desire sex with emotional connection, we engage in relationships withholding our emotions, as a way to protect ourselves, but in so doing we actually only open up sexual channels of communication. Because we assume people can split sexual desire and emotional interest (better than we can) we shut people out of our emotions, and therefore we ensure they will not connect with us emotionally, which means we ensure they will want just sex and nothing more.

And it is even more complicated than that, because if you believe my argument and open up your heart and try to love and sex at the same time, you will be fooled by people that do not believe in me, and that think that sex and connection are different things, and you will get manipulated and abused because sex will be much more moving for you than for your partner.

And it is even more complicated than that, because if sex without emotional connection is not really satisfying, or at least much less satisfying than sex with feelings, then the more you become detached the more you will want sex, and the more your sex will be unfulfilling, thus trapping you into a vicious circle. But at the same time, the practice itself makes it easier (and more automatic) to split sex from feelings, just as much as it makes it easier to abuse naïve people who believe in sex with love. Which means everyone hates Tindr, but that is all there is available.

And it is even more complicated than that, as all of this gets confused with capitalism and money and structural violence and the objectification of the human, so in one sense you would have to make a revolution in society to be able to love, but if you did that you would certainly end up with no time left to love.

But i thing the most complicated part of it all is that, if you believe you can split sex from feeling, if you think “just sex” even makes sense as a phrase, then this idea is deeply and powerfully true but also deeply and powerfully false. It goes against your deepest feelings, but it also seems inevitable. Which means that it feels as if even you yourself is like that, is shallow like that, is detached like that, but it also feels like it can’t be true, it shouldn’t be true, that it mustn’t be true. Which means you keep throwing yourself against the rocks, and you keep hurting yourself, and you can’t avoid doing it.

If we are deeply sexual beings, then desiring only sex with someone might be a form of desiring this someone’s true being instead of his social masks and ties. Because if sex is a really important part of who i am, than caring about my sex is caring about something that is really important for me, maybe more important than the movies i watch and the work i do and the stuff that i have.

And if someone is sincere about loving to feel your naked body against his, this might feel as dropping all the masks, dropping deceit, just really accepting sexual desire might feel as more sincere than wanting only sex. Though both phrases actually mean the same.

And we are all afraid. So we are all trapped into those masks and this posturing. And this fear is true, too.

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One Trackback/Pingback

  1. By Trying to convince | Truth of the Lesser Men on 12 Jun 2017 at 1:13 pm

    […] last post was accused of “trying to convince”, which i take to mean trying too hard to convince, […]

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