The other day i saw again the most beautiful woman in the world, after quite many years, and she was wearing Louboutins. I am so glad that she kept herself beautiful! At some point i actually said she was the most beautiful woman in the world and she was curious. I was just an admirer-from-afar and had no intention to make any approach, but i guess the very statement is an approach anyway, and this kinda sux couse, like, you can’t compliment people for free, you have to carry the burden of the assumed further intentions even if none exist, and gentle compliments are so soothing for the soul!, but anyways, what i meant to say is that i have to live with this terrible piece of information: i had a chance with the most beautiful woman in the world and i missed it.
That is not it, though. I did not miss anything. I did not treat it as a chance. In other words, i was never actually hitting on her, even if hypothetically i would be interested in finding out if a relation was possible and in some ways i kept it as an open possibility, but there was never a concrete intention, because i do not think beauty is very important for a relationship, maybe the absence of ugliness is, in the sense that your body does not have a baseline reaction against the person, just like if the person is so ugly that his image actually interests you actually he is beautiful, but certainly no experience of beauty will resist years of seing the same person over and over, nor ugliness for that matter, the image of the person will dissolve into normalcy and only the person will remain, only the whole infinitely complex real person, so chosing someone for beauty is shallow.
But the point (yes, surprisingly there was a point somewhere) is that maybe i should have been shallow.
Not with her, really. I mean, it could have been with her or with anyone else, but instead of my habit of trying relationships with people i felt i had something in common with, instead of treating as “possible relationships” people that could see the world as i see it, instead of it i should have just chosen someone for a shallow idiotic reason and stuck with the decision. In other words, marrying someone that is explicitly not right.
Reason: the right person is one you share a soul link with, so you can search together for meaning, but that also means you get to know this person deeply and that is synonymous with getting to know in what this person is hopelessly different from you.
Any of the 8 billion human beings around will both be totally the same as you and totally different from you, depending on how you see him. And knowing someone deeply is the same thing as finding out what is unique about him, and that is the same thing as finding out what are the differences between the both of you.
And i do not mean “there is a tendency of”, that there is a chance that they go together, that there is a correlation. No. I mean EXACTLY THE SAME. Back then when i first met the most beautiful woman in the world i would have accepted the “tendency of” thing, as in “the more you know the person, the more you risk finding out he is not the right one”. But this is wrong. Or maybe it is right but in a very wrong way. You are always getting to know the person more and more, and therefore getting to know his defects as much as his qualities, but there are many ways to do it, and some of those reveal possibilities of partnership, but others reveal avenues of dissonance. Both are real. And there is always more of both to reveal. But what you reveal when makes a world of difference. And trying to have true connection with someone is probing his individuality, what makes him truly human, what he feels that no one else can feel. No one else including you.
If you marry the wrong person you will certainly find out about that, too, but only later. First you will find out what makes him ordinary, commonplace, boring, and (therefore and exactly because of it) manageable. And human, too, though in a different way.
One way or the other, i am still under the influence of the most beautiful woman in the world. And i saw her from far away for 2 minutes at most.