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(for C.Sch.)

i do not believe
all of this
all of that shit
all the pointless running
     and strife
and all the hurt
     of you trying to own me
even though i would like to be owned
     (some of them want to be abused
     you know?)
i would like to be owned by you
but you
you just didn’t know how to
     own me

if you’re my owner
i don’t have to explain to you
my displeased faces
the cattle does not explain to the shepherd
     their freudian dilemmas
and owning
     is having such strength that you override
     the personhood of the other]

so: i wanted to give myself to you
(and let’s be clear: you was not the only one,
just the latest one, and maybe even
just ’cause my expectations have plunged so low)
but you
couldn’t face the fact
that owning someone is a violence

what do you want me to say?

your life
and your maturity
are not my responsibility
i can’t have anything to do with them
before you
take responsibility for your relationship with me
as an adult

(everyone else does the other way, i know
but those are not relationships
they’re just bumping into each other)

and now i accept your gift
of hopelessness
of knowing that even those
     who say they’re looking for meaning
     are just bumping into each other
knowing that there is no perfect

i accept your gift of pain

2 more years
13 more years
70 maybe
nothing to account for them

being a failure
in everything i always felt important
’cause only you is important to me,
only people
only each and every person i ever met
     (to steal someone else’s words)
and people are only gonna make me suffer

even now that i expect nothing from them
(part of my pain was that you couldn’t really
hurt me
you said all the hurtful things
but so childishly it was like you really just wanted
to disappoint me)

i accept your gift
of yet again
i’m by myself
and that it hurts
and it means i am alive
numbed by your blind brutishness
but alive
still fighting
the blind brutishness of the world


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