It’s easy to think that, once you begin thinking about open relationships and gender issues and these kinds of stuff, that you become different from the “vast majority”. So for example, if i don’t want to, as usually said in Brazil, “marry on church”, meaning a traditional form of marriage, then i am the exception and not the rule.
The problem is: This is just not so. Everyone loves in a post-modern way.
If i have complicated feelings, like i do not have “one true love”, instead i have loved many different people and all those feelings still live in me and conflict and make me confused, it is easy to call me weird and keep on believing most everyone else will find “true love”, as in just one. But that is just a myth, a myth born out of a time when you couldn’t afford to go halfway across the world if you where a king.
Life just isn’t like it used to be. But we are all pretending it is.
We lack even words for liking some person that are free of being bound to her as if forever.
Two different paradigms can co-exist and be in dispute, but that is not what is at work here. We are not dealing with the free-love way against the orthodox-way-of-love. Simply put, there is absolutely no one who does believe in this orthodox way, but at the same time no one acknowledges that there is no alternative whatsoever.
So, for example. To love one single person. Makes. No. Sense. Our brains are made to live inside 150-sized groups. That’s what we evolved to deal with. The smallest city you can find anywhere will pack 30-50 times as many people. This very simply means that there is more diversity of mates available than ever before. Given such a circumstance, it would be pathological not to research, so to say. We must be more promiscuous than people living at less hectic times. There is simply nothing you can do about it.
Not only that, but the basic unit of relationship can’t be based on monogamous sex. Monogamy is just a façade. It is a consensual lie. But it is seen as structural for the relationships. All based on the fear that if the other has any engagement with other people that he might come to prefer some of them to us. Now the very core of most economic activity in almost every part of the world is person-to-person interchange. Even things as “concrete” as agronomy are being re-framed as “service”. That does mean that anyone we choose to have a “stable relationship” with will be dealing with people, loads of those, and that they’ll be all trying to make a good presentation out of themselves as a matter of routine! So, in order for you to have a good partner, you have to have a partner that is being “tempted” all the time. Does it make any sense to frame the issue so that if he gets any pleasure out of other people he is “betraying you”? Because if you do then you are diminishing his capability to have an economic activity.
You can call me unusual. You can. I do accept all of it. I do even have a little pride of “not being like everyone else”. But this is just a very common strategy. To try to be different is just a normal thing to do in the world i live (and i bet in the world you do live too).
We must rethink love. Now.