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My head hurts. Why shall it be? Mmmm, let’s think… Oh, yeah, it might be that a guy just punched me in the ear! LOL. I know it is not funny, it’s just that… So strange. Ok, i’ll grant that i was “giving soft”, that is, it was stupid of me to be at that place at that time, my mistake. What happened was: i went over to find a decent first meal to break my 3 days fast — what? didn’t i tell you about fasting? So, let’s begin from the beginning.

It has been 56 days since my last post. Why, you ask? Well, i was chastising myself. Since i changed my theme and my tag scheme, this blog was in a total mess, and that meant you couldn’t find the good (at least i love them) primeval posts. I had been promising myself to fix everything and re-tag all of the posts and insert “more tags” that would prevent the posts from being immense in the blogs main page — that is, the “read more” thing — i promised myself to do that, but there are a lot of posts and i procrastinated. So, i forbid myself to post anything before i fixed it. And that’s it. It took me 56 days, not counting the months before…

Anyway, i had kept the habit of marking important occasions with those self absorbed, onanistic metaposts, but that too i let slip: this is the 304th post, i forgot to make a big fuss of getting to 300. That’s more than 2 and a half years. And that is also so many words (i had the total count somewhere but don’t feel like looking) so many words that if you print them you get a bulky (and heavy) ~300 pages tome, complete with the blog’s logo made of silvertape! {Promise to post a picture of that someday!}

And since it’s been so long that you do not hear from me, i’ll pretend anyone is actually interested and i’ll bore you with present the latest news from my life!

I have been living in Curitiba now for exactly 1 year and 5 days. It would certainly be much cooler to give the news when it was really 1 year, round, but it seems the habit of old news is all-pervasive. I am now living with a friend in an apartment which has a view i simply love. I love so much, indeed, that i have been spending too much time at home.

The room mate has ups and downs, he has taken to the pesky habit of perpetuating some stupid slogans like that i never agree with anything, and he knows how to be a pain in the ass, but he does have the merit of having one eye open for new and good ideas, and that, mostly, makes the relationship pleasant.

He has He-Man for a nickname, so we call our home Greyskull Inn. The inn part is because in the last 2 months we have received many visitors, all loved friends. It has been a great, great pleasure to have those people around. First Clarice and João and his girlfriend came to Purungo (which was weak, by the way, but at least it is one more nametag to my collection). Then Shimabukuro came along and tried to turn us into cooks, he didn’t seem to understand that we are too lazy to make our own food — but yes, we do admit he fed us very well. I even did learn the garlic-on-rice trick! And finally came Cuducos, but he did not stay for enough time.

But anyway, He-Man abused his charms and got invited to give a presentation at NDesign2009 in Recife, the day before yesterday he went and i am home alone, i’ll be home alone for 7 more days.

I’m taking that time to finish a lot of things, besides the blog, first and foremost being my stuff. I have decided to have less of it, less stuff, and better stuff, better organized, so that, in essence, i can put it all on a backpack and hike around. No big plans, really, i just feel… i don’t know, heavy. I had this idea that an L-shaped table was the rage, and that other idea that a Wallita Juicer would be revolutionary, but those didn’t work out. I’m just not that kind of guy. I can collect stuff, mind you, if i don’t pay attention i have a full house very quickly, but i just don’t feel good for having the stuff, i don’t get fond of the stuff. So, no, neither the table nor the juicer made me as happy as i believed.

That’s why i have this plan of “dematerializing”, i want to try a modified version of the 100 things challenge, i think i’ll go for 256 things (which is a much nerdier number, right?). And so i am amidst yet another big bedroom re-organization. I have set a expiration date for doing that, and i have only 13 days left, which means i’ve got to put more effort in it.

Another thing that i plan on taking better care on those next few days is my account on eRepublik, an online multiplayer RISK-like (WAR-like if you are from Brazil) game where i go by the name of “Valéria Baraco”, and where people take things waaay too seriously and it is great because we can discuss politics in a very unusual place, with very unusual constraints and opportunities, and so i hope maybe i can put forward some ideas that are far from orthodox but that i believe could be very synergistic if we could undress politics of it’s prejudices and ideologies…

By now it should have become terribly clear that i keep being helplessly idle, “you might say unemployed”. But i had a little epiphany the other day! I saw an Alan Resnais film, called “Mon Oncle d’Amerique”, and in it there was the most marvellous passage:

If you want to go to the moon, you must learn about gravity. When that happens, we don’t become suddenly free from gravity, as if by magic. But we start to use it for different things.

And there you have it. This is exactly what i want to do with my life. My career plan, if you will: i do different things. Just wait till i show you what that might be!

Well, i do indeed have a plan, though, and it is so silly i might even put it to practice. I am thinking of becoming a programmer. I have indeed went so far as creating a little astrology app to teach myself how to compile a C program and use GTK+. Well, ok, “app” might be a little exaggeration, but it at least does pop up a window with tabs, one showing the positions of my planets, the other the houses in all the possible house-systems, and the final one with a nice placeholder space for a — who knows, i might even learn cairo — chart drawing. To tell the truth it is a hack at best, but since i wrote the whole program, without ctrl-C ctrl-V (not that i have anything against it, it’s just that i wanted to make sure i was learning something), i feel really good about having it compile successfully!

Actually, i do have lots of plans, all at the same time. It has been always this way. But the programming thing is really very fun.

Anyways, since seeing this film, i remembered a lot of things. One of them was that i live on my own, and that this gives me some freedom to do certain things, and one that i had always wanted to try but had been dissuaded by “concerned parties” around was to fast. I wanted to know how it was to feel hunger. It has always been an interesting idea to me. And then, well, i did it.

I admit, i cheated. I do not want to have malnutrition, so i actually had myself a fast where i supplied calories through a small spoon of honey each day and random nutrients through fairly immoderate amounts of juice. I even gave myself milk, but in retrospect i now feel the milk was to much like food, next time i do that i want to be stricter.

And that was the reason i had gone outside. Basically, i was about to finish my 72 hours of fasting, and i wanted to break my fast with something decent to eat. So i went out, had some coffee, walked all of Batel, and ended up figuring out that no, i didn’t really want to eat any of those things. Neither seemed too prudent to ditch into a stomach that had been kind-of at rest for so much time. So i settled up for coming back home and making myself a pretty plain bowl of whole rice. (With the plastic bag, by the way, no Shima it is not odd, it is easy!).

Problem was: i had had a dream. I had had a dream about a certain person. Someone i did not want to be thinking about. At least, someone i think i had been thinking about too much, which (being said someone not particularly clear about caring for that) seemed to me as a recipe for disappointment, so i wanted to i-ching about Y. Let’s call this “someone” Y. Ok, as i decided to go back home and dine on rice, i went all the way searching for a quiet place to i-ching. Which i didn’t find. And home does not seem like a place to “trying novel perspectives”, so to say, so i decided to sit besides my door and do the i-chinging. Which turned out not to be too good an idea, as two guys appeared and tried to mug my Palm.

As it happens, i was not of the opinion that this was acceptable, so i held the Palm strongly as one of them tried to force it out of my hand and the other one attacked me. I used my elbow in the guy behind me and kicked at the one in front. It was quick. I received a fairly accurate but not strong punch in the ear (did they watch Fight Club?), and i think it was all.

For a month and a half now, i’ve been practising a thing called krav-maga, it is a kind of martial-arts/self defence system, i even right now have a slight bruise on my right knuckle from punching a sand bag, and one of it’s teachings is about aggressivety, which is not wanting to hurt others, but instead is not accepting the role of being a victim. They say you must change from receiver of the aggression to emitter ASAP, immediately if possible. It is difficult to know, in hindsight, if i did that. I actually think i put up a poor fight. But it was good enough that they saw that i was not gonna be as easy a picking as they at first thought, and, when i managed to move out to a position not in between them, they simply left and i was standing, alert and relaxed. So, yes, my head hurts a bit. But it was kind of good to be able to defend myself.

And so, pretty much, this is it. I am still the same puny little guy with dreamy eyes and a difficult vocabulary and no sense of business that i was back in kindergarten, but… What can i do? I kind of like myself. I know everybody else and their cats think i am headed to misery and misfortune for not wanting to get a job, i know everybody thinks i am just a spoiled kid, but… I read my blog posts from years ago and i have the same excitement of “cool” as when reading guys like Nietzsche or Bey. I don’t want to be any of those things that people tell me i should, like “successful” or “secure” or “respected” or… I don’t even want to be the guy who will save the world. I don’t know. I just…

In 76 days i will turn 30 years old. In 19 days i will have an exact transit of Saturn on Saturn. I don’t know if my “Saturn Return” was a stabilization period or a big breakage.

I do feel lonely. I do feel like people expect things from me, even if i can never really understand what exactly they think i owe them. I do feel like the world is a burden, like the little day-to-day chores are too much of a toll. I feel it becomes more and more difficult to get interested in people. I don’t understand this world that “keeps pretending it is upstanding”.

How many more days do i need before i “make it”? Before i “get there”? Before i become a decent citizen? A deserving member of our great society? I don’t know. I am not really sure any amount of days would be enough. Because i am not trying.

I am not trying to be that man.

I am something else. That different thing will keep not being ready, not being right, not being complete. But, in that imperfection, i already am. I am this different thing. Now.

So maybe i’ll go even farther away. Maybe i’ll spend my birthday in Argentina. Maybe i want to see the desert. Who knows? If we meet, let’s have great talks about random unbelievable subjects, let’s share small amusing confidences, let’s be wonderful together. Even if we don’t, you have my deepest wishes that everything turns out fine, that you can yourself by yourself conquer the great happiness of the great persons.

And if i die of internal haemorrhaging tomorrow, you all saw that i closed with a hopeful message ;-)

3 Comments

  1. Let’s meet again, soon.
    If you die earlier, I’ll know I tried to make you feed yourself better!
    I’ll take some chocolate chip cookies to your grave. But I’ll eat them all there. In your name.

  2. Ei, essa é uma ótima idéia pra um velório: levem bolachas gostosas pro cemitério e comam elas em meu nome. Mas que sejam as bolachas do tipo foda, vai, sem miserê, pelo menos uma vez na vida hahahahhahaha. Trocadilho fraco. Efeito colateral de morar com o He-man. De qualquer forma, semanas se passaram e ainda estou por aqui. Continuo comendo mal pra cacete, mas não se preocupe, Shima, que a sua influência me tornou um cozinheiro muito melhor — tipo de completamente horroroso pra muito ruim já é um progresso, né não?

  3. Ah sim, conceitualmente vc passou de horroroso a ruim, mas na prática continua horroroso?! ahahaah


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