If you know you are going to die, and that will happen rather sooner than later, and that no matter how much you fight and strive, your impact in the world will never be too much shit, then things do not matter too much, do they? Being aware of it all is maybe a bit dangerous.
But ignorance is not bliss. Even blissful ignorants are not blissful because of their ignorance, they are blissful out of luck, and might become miserable out of bad luck in the future.
Awareness gives you a fighting chance. Maybe you will be fucked in the end, but you tried. And i offer no false hopes that assuming responsibility for your future is guaranteed to work, but for myself i simply could not accept any other way to live.
So, anyway, if you happen to be one of the few who think awareness is a good deal even if it would make your endorphins level dwindle, then i want to share something i just realised: awareness has it’s risks.
The first is cynicism. Becoming aware might also undermine your faith. If you see the system working to feed itself, you understand how close «self-made» and «idiosyncratic» really are. Worth in itself and worth for nothing. This is not only a motivational issue, it is also strategical: do you wanna go anywhere if all places are the same? And if not, doesn’t being still make you unfit?
Second comes shallowness, but you could talk about the risk of turning poser. Being aware risks becoming Emo. And that is because when you see that looks and content are the same thing, you can focus on the laws of looks and that allows you to play the game even better. Soon you are so far in it that you can’t even remember how it started. What at first seemed a lead in complexity derails into petty self-reference. You end up in distinctions without differences.
The third one in my list (notice though that this was never meant to be a complete typology) never actually happens, but the idea of it can become too real. I talk about indifference. And i do think real indifference can only happen when there is a serious brain illness and should be treated with hard drugs. People never stop caring about their own lives. But at some times they happen to believe they should.
It is all too easy to criticize moralizing systems, but once one begins to really stop acting on those (instead of just talking), a fear develops that you might be still bound to them implicitly. The circularity of the argument is easy to see, but talking about it does not lessen the immobility caused.
(Notice also that i am not offering any medicine…)
A fourth risk is loneliness. Not because you know people will never truly understand you, but because you see that they do not want you to understand them.
I forgot what prompted me into writing this. It was something that i saw in the street, going to Havana Café. Not only i forgot what it was, i forgot the feeling it brought me. And my writing skills (i’ve been complimented by them some times) allowed me to turn a few words, a simple but nice phrase, into this long and intricate text. Now maybe my awareness of ideas led me straight into this trap, this devious trap, of losing contact with whatever it was to understand it, but i do not mean it as “the evils of reason” (those guys are boring), i mean it as the paths of ideas lead their own ways and we can choose more threading them, threading the paths of awareness allows us to avoid traps of the world (at least in the second time we fall), but it does not allow us to avoid our own traps.
And overcoming our own traps is strength, and it is beautiful, but it is also sad-hopeful, it is melancholic-bright. Bitter-sweet.