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I’m never sure what’s right and what’s wrong. Sometimes it seems what you do makes no difference — it’ll hurt anyway. And sometimes hurting is not the problem. Sometimes you don’t know if it hurts, or if you’re empty, or if you’re just sad, or even if you would prefer things any other way.

Sometimes going on is hard.

Sometimes you don’t know if you’re really going down, because the deeper you get, the more it feels like always. You’re just going around your pain without feeling it, without killing it, without running away from it. Sometimes you just want to stop running, but you don’t know what does it mean.

Sometimes, you try to choose the lesser pain but the pain of doubt seems the greatest. And you say to yourself that there is no reason for tears but your doubting is as hard as it can, or worse, and you can’t leave behind the things that make you sad ’cause you think you are the better for them.

Sometimes you wonder if you haven’t been pre-programmed to be what you are and to think what you think.

The moment you see that the one fighting against the way things are is as much part of these things as conceivably possible, which is a lot, it becomes hard to believe in believing.

And when you want to say no, you see that it does make no difference, and when you leave things as they are it hurts the most.

It is like you’re a little toy that can’t avoid the great play of the world, a soldier that can’t avoid fighting against nothing.

[Found in three very old small pieces of paper. Obviously written much before my English was at all readable. I reproduce the original below, maybe out of some sense of self-criticism. Read on at your own discretion.]

Every time I am not sure about what is right and what’s wrong. Sometimes it seen just like what you do makes not difference – it’ll hurt anyway. And sometimes hurt is not the problem. Sometimes you don’t know if it hurts, or if you’re empty, or if you’re just sad, or even if you would prefer things the other way.

Sometimes going on is hard.

Sometimes you don’t know if you’re realy going dawn, ’cause the deeper you get, the more it’s like allways has been. You’re just going around your pain whitout feeling it, or without killing it, or without running away from it. Sometimes you just want to stop running away, but you don’t know what does it mean.

Sometimes, when you seen to chose the lesser pain the pain of the doubt seen to be the greatest. And you say to yourself that there is no reason for tears but your doubt is as hard as it can be, or worst, and you cant get along of the things that make you sad ‘couse you think they are the better for you.

Sometimes you wonder if you has not been pre-programed to be what you are and to think what you think.

In the moment you see that the one that is fighting agains’t the things being as they are is as much part of these things as it can be, and its very much, it’s hard to believe in believing.

In the time you want to say no you see that it doesn’t mean nothing, and when you leave things as they are it hurts the most.

It is like you’re a little toy that can’t avoid the great play of the world, a soldier that can’t avoid fighting against nothing.

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