Today in the early morning i almost died.
No, i did not see any lights or went into a coma or anything. I had a car crash. It was very ugly, i overturned, it destroyed the car my mother loved, it almost (so close) involved another car, it could have hurt my passenger, and it even broke a signpost. Actually, i have to thank the signpost for it stopped the car from falling into a big hole besides the road.
Just so you know, i am fine. (Though now by night i am starting to feel some dim pain, but it should be all gone after a good night of sleep).
Now, well, it set me thinking. Some (what? months? semesters… no, guess like years now) years ago i set myself into this “if i died right now” exercise, where you imagine yourself dead and then try to find out what you would regret. I did it over and over, and it was a very important thing, it gave a different perspective on things, but i guess you can never reproduce the feeling of knowing that you have almost been gone.
Now i do not want to go into a “Ghosts of past Christmas” thing, you know, neither here nor in real life, i do not think that simple accountancies of “you deserve” or “tit-for-tat” can really capture the complexity of the world around me.
But the thing is, the crash just made me feel different about the influences we have over one another. How we live, how we control other people, how we use the feelings other people have for us, who you run to when you need, who you wish could have been there. And i also guess i overvalued my own simplicity into all this.
I already knew none of that is making much sense some paragraphs ago, but indulge me, i am in an after-shock state…
I guess the thing is, if my head were not overtaken by two very strong awarenesses (semi-thoughts), namely that her side of the vehicle is damaging so much more (as in “please let nothing happen to Juliana”) and that i was just destroying my mother’s loved car, anyway if nothing of that was in my head, like if i was alone in a car without strings attached, well, to be frank it would have been cool.
I mean, it is better than a roller coaster. Shorter, but stronger. It really shakes you up.
But i do not want to belittle the experience.
I am just saying that what really hurts are not the nerve terminations, it is the strings that tie i with everyone else.