There is a kind of “knowing the other” that only comes with some years of being each other’s beloved, an intimacy which cannot come through any shortcuts. Before you have had an relationship longer than, say, one and a half or two years you will simply never know it.
After all, there are some parts of your soul that you can only share when you are sure the other will not betray you, the other will not make you suffer. After years and years, in small steps, each one of the two will have shared many small small pieces of the “I” until more is shared than held back.
Then again, it might also mean that after so many time you just collected many parts-of-soul that have been spilled, seen through holes in the armor we all have against the world, holes the other tried to avoid but couldn’t, things he didn’t want you to know but wasn’t able to hide. The amount of time, then, is not only to make you more intimate, but to allow you to better lay your traps. It is not that you have shared many things, but that you have witnessed many bad moments of him. He is your hostage, you keep a big part of his soul in custody, enough to make it OK that you are also his hostage.
I don’t think so. I do not want to wait to believe that the other person is worthy of receiving my soul. I do not want to wait until he cannot hold his tears anymore. I want him to cry to me because he has chosen to. I want him to share his heart because he has chosen to. I want to know his secrets because he has chosen to. And i want to be completely open for him because i have chosen to.
Even if it makes me suffer. I do not want to suffer, and i will go away if you betray me, but if someone i love makes me cry, i will be crying with all my heart. Because for the few (very few) people to whom i give myself, i give myself now. I do not want guarantees.
If you want to know someone instead of just trowing your sorrows and prejudices and paranoias at him and checking out how he behaves, well, you do not need all the time in the world. You ask. You tell. You learn his language. You probe his idiosyncrasies. You talk to his mother. You search. This takes less than six months.
If you want to have reasons to believe he will not betray you, put yourself out in the rain, where he can hurt you for good. Don’t obey your fear. Don’t protect you to the point you can’t see what is on the other side of your walls. Share your true feelings. If you do not do it on the first few days of a relationship, you will only do it in the end.
Be open, really open, every second. If you do so, because you choose to, you will be hurt, and you will suffer, but when you love you will know that the value of love is not measured by the amount of pain or pleasure this love is costing you.
I do not say those things as laws, nor as rules to be followed, nor as recipes to achieve some specific result. I only say that because this is what i want to do, this is how i want to live my life. I might suffer. I might never find someone — i was not too good at that up to this point. But i believe in this not because i have been hurt and fear pain, i believe in that because i have chosen to live whatever is ahead of me as best as i can, because i have chosen to make my own luck. I have chosen to love myself.
[This is for all my ex-girlfriends, but it is mostly for someone who is not my ex-girlfriend. This is a confidence, an admission of want of love, an admission i need desperately to feel loved. That i miss. But i do not think two mistakes can do a right. I still hope, i still feel. Best whishes for all, may everyone be happy with his own feelings.]