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Vintage Hollywood stars aren’t beautiful any more. Not that you would look at Marilyn Monroe and have bad feelings or that mild disgust that is ugliness. No! But they have become so… human.

Trust me. I would know. That is, sort of, my profession. I work with that. It’s kinda hard to really give it a name, but what I do is something like a cross between plastic surgeon and public relations, between a fashion consultant and fertility specialist.

For being beautiful now is not merely having proportionate features, cutting up that overgrown nose and using a bra that lifts your boobs. Oh no! Modern beauty became a horribly complicated biz.

So complicated indeed that the few places you can go to learn that in the world — some would like to dispute that, but there are no more than 6 schools that can really make one able to survive in the beauty making market, it is a jungle, i’ll tell ya!

What was I saying? Oh, yes, the few schools one can go to learn this will in like some two or three years teach you the basics of plastic surgery, of reproductive ecology, of psychology, fashion, marketing and symbol-economics and some few other buzzwords.

There simply is no time to do it the hard way, reading and listening to teachers and making dull tests and drills. Oh no! Who wants all that chore? You ask me, I prefer to use fast conditioning. It is painful, i’ll tell, but it’s what can get it done.

You just go three months under those mnemo-drugs, subject yourself to whatever training courses they deem fit, you’ll not remember most of it, anyway.

No, really, the mnemos are meant to let the conditioning go straight to the deep parts of your brain, so the biases and prejudices of your waking consciousness don’t delay you “getting it”, know what i mean? I hear that many schools use electroshocks into your skull, it’s kinda weird, i know. Come to think of it, i’ve probably been through most of it.

No, but really, i don’t remember any of it.

So, you see, not many around can give anyone the kind of service i can. I am very good. But this vintage stars job, geez, it is giving me the creeps…

The problem is, I don’t just make people beautiful, that is not my job. My job is to make my clients turn on everyone that sees them. You must desire them the minute you see them. They must make you crazy.

You just can’t do it relying on nature’s balance. You can’t try to use moderation and harmony. Oh no!

The only way to be beautiful today is turning all knobs way up. Every attention grabbing feature must be as evident as possible. Beauty must shout.

And it is a little more than shout, to really say it. It is a blaring chemical discharge. To be beautiful is to spread around you as much pheromones as you can. You need to overload every possible sense of your audience.

It’s not very healthy either, that’s why beautiful people need all the special dieting, the mineral supplements, all the chemical reposition. They try to avoid showing this on television, but i would guess most everyone in showbiz consumes in a week at least enough chemicals to make a horse grow wings. My clients usually get all of theirs in a daily shake, but it most definitely does not look good.

And, you see, Marilyn did not eat that!

So, this stupid producer wants to make a stupid show where stupid Hollywood vintage stars meet today’s models, and the fool is me. I have to make the impersonators.

But it is no use. If I make a faithful double they will be nice alright, but put them side by side with the shabbiest model you find and you’ll be head over heels for the model. No god-like at all. And if I make an improved version it will look like a parody. It will seem distorted. It will seem fake.

But there is a reason my work-hour is worth 10 grand. I’ll figure something.

I’ll figure something.

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