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Tag Archives: how we live our lives

The penultimate time someone got me breathless i just tried and told her so. And i found out i remained breathless, even though nothing was coming out of that. I could still see life with the enraptured eyes of passion.

This whole affair was a very bad idea. She wasn’t onto me, and even if she was she would not break up with her boyfriend because of it, and even if she did we’d probably not turn out a good match. But then my shrink insisted that i should tell. I insisted back it was not a good idea, but to no avail. So i picked an anti-strategic moment, one that simply could not work (in a PUA sense), an occasion where this could be somewhat like an disinterested transmission of information, and told the girl i was kinda falling for her.

And after that, i was still breathless. I could still see the world full of light, i could still swim into the poetry of the moment. I went walking and the wind in the trees was to me a spectacle.

I turned it into an experiment, about whether we can live life with the same intensity of passion of falling for someone. After a while it waned, and it was extremely tiresome, but what i found out was that in a way my love for this one girl was a part of me, not a part of her. And that there are a lot of demands in love, but apart from all the demands there is something else, a part of loving that does not make any demands, and that this one part of love makes your life more beautiful, and it makes you stronger, even if the other person disappears.

Compare to this other one: I try to kiss a girl, she says “Let’s pretend this never happened!” I had never heard this one, even though it is a fairly default turn down, so what happens is i start lecturing her! Something like: “No, let’s not pretend. I tried to get you. You dumped me. I can live with that. But it did happen. It was part of our lives. Why should we pretend it didn’t happen?” Complete moron, gets turned down and still thinks a lot of himself…

So, anyway, platonic love. It is not a bad thing. But you should tell, you should say to the person anyway, and not try to erase your love, and after you said and you accepted nothing is gonna happen, the feeling will be a strange kind of gratitude and wonderment with the universe.

(By the way, this was the one before the last, the last time the person just came over and picked me up! How awesome is that? And even then, my feeling makes my life better, independent of what the other person feels…)

One thing that, i guess, would help to understand me, (assuming anyone is trying to which is kinda arrogant but anyway), is the way i evaluate people. Because, you know, i am kinda good at the whole understanding people thing, which came as quite a surprise to me, when i realized it was the case. And of the various things i can or cannot do, this is one that does not translate easily into words, it is something that is very awkward to explain. So maybe it is not really straightforward, let me try to talk about it a little. Read More »

For anyone who’d ever say i lack goals, here i present an anti-goal, a reverse self-help life-planning exercise, a scheme to keep me from having expectations, a road-map to having one’s eyes always open, one’s hopes always beyond. So my goal is:

TO MAKE SENSE OF THE WORLD

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Violence can be both good and bad. Your gut is right now killing thousands of bacteria, this is biochemical war, it goes on all the time, and we would not be here without. Even if we would like to, we can’t but call it good. But violence can be cruelty.

Generally, people tend to like to refrain from violence. We like to be good. But refraining from violence leads to cruelty. Unavoidably. But it isn’t so easy to see the why. Read More »

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