how to deal with platonic love

The penultimate time someone got me breathless i just tried and told her so. And i found out i remained breathless, even though nothing was coming out of that. I could still see life with the enraptured eyes of passion.

This whole affair was a very bad idea. She wasn’t onto me, and even if she was she would not break up with her boyfriend because of it, and even if she did we’d probably not turn out a good match. But then my shrink insisted that i should tell. I insisted back it was not a good idea, but to no avail. So i picked an anti-strategic moment, one that simply could not work (in a PUA sense), an occasion where this could be somewhat like an disinterested transmission of information, and told the girl i was kinda falling for her.

And after that, i was still breathless. I could still see the world full of light, i could still swim into the poetry of the moment. I went walking and the wind in the trees was to me a spectacle.

I turned it into an experiment, about whether we can live life with the same intensity of passion of falling for someone. After a while it waned, and it was extremely tiresome, but what i found out was that in a way my love for this one girl was a part of me, not a part of her. And that there are a lot of demands in love, but apart from all the demands there is something else, a part of loving that does not make any demands, and that this one part of love makes your life more beautiful, and it makes you stronger, even if the other person disappears.

Compare to this other one: I try to kiss a girl, she says “Let’s pretend this never happened!” I had never heard this one, even though it is a fairly default turn down, so what happens is i start lecturing her! Something like: “No, let’s not pretend. I tried to get you. You dumped me. I can live with that. But it did happen. It was part of our lives. Why should we pretend it didn’t happen?” Complete moron, gets turned down and still thinks a lot of himself…

So, anyway, platonic love. It is not a bad thing. But you should tell, you should say to the person anyway, and not try to erase your love, and after you said and you accepted nothing is gonna happen, the feeling will be a strange kind of gratitude and wonderment with the universe.

(By the way, this was the one before the last, the last time the person just came over and picked me up! How awesome is that? And even then, my feeling makes my life better, independent of what the other person feels…)

my thanks to feminism

I’d like to give thanks to feminism.

That comes after i, grudgingly, reluctantly, finally came to accept that i am not, and should not be, a feminist. For most of my life i, a man, had been more of a riot grrrrl than mos of my girlfriends. I’d been enraged again and again for what i saw as submissive attitudes of them, even ones that could equally well be read as submission to me. In more than one way, i wanted the role of the girl: I wanted to be approached instead of to approach, i wanted to be seduced instead of seducing, i wanted to accommodate to their lives instead of providing a grand narrative for them to accommodate to. I actually felt that the two people in a relationship should do a bit of each, and it pissed me to no end that no woman at all accepted to. Lazy, prideless girls, i thought. But i came to realize it does not make any sense for them to do any of that, and it came together with me realizing feminism is not an answer to anything.

But feminism has been useful to me, in very personal ways, and i want to give thanks.

no sense

Acceptance and understanding do not sense make, it is not like everyone is right and you see their points of view, it is more like they are all wrong, and their lives are just gonna keep on being wrong, and they simply will not see, there is not in them the ways to realize, and they are hurting you and not realizing, and they’d probably hate to know, but if you said it to them it would just cause more problems, and of course this is so, you can accept, and you can see, but this is not like school, where tests do have a right answer, this is like multiple choice where all the answers are incorrect, and it doesn’t make any difference, and if it did, if you went and tried to change things it would be not the world, it would be artificial, it would make even less sense, and everything is very much perfect because the need to make sense gets fainter and fainter…

my rant about Brasília

So i was at this hostel and some guy asked me whether he should visit Brasília but, as i was about to answer, that insufferable chick kept sneering, anyway the thing got totally derailed, but it got me to realize i gave this rant so many times it should see online publishing.

So keep the following in mind: You’ve never gone to Brasília, you saw pictures maybe, you have no idea about it’s importance as for history of architecture. Should you go there?

You sure can see big concrete buildings at many other places. And there are way too many cool trips to be had in Brazil. But.

But Brasília is a city like no other. As such, it can be both a very revealing experience and a very difficult one to understand.

Maybe the best answer is: Go if you have the right guide.