For anyone who’d ever say i lack goals, here i present an anti-goal, a reverse self-help life-planning exercise, a scheme to keep me from having expectations, a road-map to having one’s eyes always open, one’s hopes always beyond. So my goal is:
TO MAKE SENSE OF THE WORLD
Which means i do not seek success, triumph and disaster are just analysis tools, thermometers of sorts, because if the same thing happens over and over you get dull, that if there is no pain there is no learning, but playing the games and exploring the results is interesting, just remember exploring is more like shaking the results than like inflating them, you must become big in order to become free, not the other way around.
Which means boredom hurts god, that slow and steady is way too close to unimaginative and barren, no excuse is good enough for becoming tedious, both for doing too little and for shouting too loud, that your experience is sacred enough to be seriously happy — so, ecstasy and rapture and catharsis are good questions.
Which means growth is a transient circumstance, but process is a necessity, so that even standing still is an action, full of will and intention, so that flow is our companion, so we are always arriving in constant departure, so that each instant feels like a beginning.
Which means there is a lot of pleasure in endless tuning, in sharpening blades which might as well not cut anything, tweaking the tweaks, upgrading the latest, and that is a temptation ant that is silly, but we are making bridges to undreamed places so some awkward scaffolding is to be expected — and played with.
Which means to interfere is also to yearn, that cruelty also creates vocabulary, that influence and dialogue come much before good and evil, and that we must touch each other and hurt each other to love each other, that in many senses we are creating one another, giving birth to one another, all the time, in a messy complicated powerful way, that abstaining from that is just lack of love, lack of caring, lack of understanding, so that yes we must push some people from behind sometimes and they will hate us and it will be better for them and we do not need them to realize it, but the few ones who do realize it and take you as a full person and accept you not as they think you are but as something that is precious and undecipherable, when that happens it is just too precious and beautiful.
RESPONSIBILITY, the true kind of, that is what it is, that is what i seek.
And of course, i’ll just be this grumpy old fella, weird, bad-mouthed, quirky, spirituous, a tad crazy, that mostly insufferable guy that much latter a few people will discover was really really cool. That sounds about right. That sounds like a good plan.
Hope you’d be around.