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My blog-friend (can i call her that?) Zenuria asks for male advice in the following case: the guy walks over to her desk at work and says “I just need to go out for a coffee” and walks away. And she wonders whether that meant she should go along. But what pisses me is:

Another (girlfriend) says that I did the right thing in doing nothing – he has to take the risk and ask me to join him.

AAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Why he MUST take the risk, and she is right in not doing so? Why is it “respectable” for a woman not to take risks? And why should the guy be expected to do so? I mean, where does fair negotiation go if we have those strict mindless absurd rules?

About the case in point, well… I live in Brazil, and over here if anyone said to anyone else “well, i just have to go out and have a coffee” and got replied “well, that sounds good” that was a closed deal, i would turn around and go get some coffee and if i discovered you had not came along i would be pretty puzzled. I mean, i would be so sure you were coming i might indeed not look back, just assuming you were there.

But, anyway, i say: who cares what he meant? If you want to go, go. If you want to go only if he wants you to too, ask him if he would like you to come. You don’t even have to invite yourself, see, you can clarify the situation, you can ask him if he is asking you.

For, you see, maybe there are ways the males use to decide whether a girl is “one night” material or “wedding” material, but maybe not. Who is to know? I have not, until now, received my so desired invitation to the supreme order of maleness, maybe there are those rules around somewhere and i just don’t know them, but maybe not.

And, either way, who is responsible for your happiness? If a man chooses you because of some unknown rule about which you had no saying, does it seem likely your happiness has a high priority on the process? Your fulfilment as a complete being?

I do love to make things in the proper ways, but i feel in those gender-role matters it is not so much about being proper. I guess most of the times the gossip (which, to be clear, is what you girlfriends where doing when they said you should have done this or that) is really about shielding ourselves from risk, bunkering our selfish wants into a self-righteous pile of prejudice. It is not about making us and our loved ones happier.

And to absolutely over clarify it: i do not have any idea about every other male around, but I LOVE TO BE APPROACHED BY A GIRL, to be asked out, to have the girl take the initiative.

Actually, i broke up with the girl i was (and, mostly, still am, even though she is now married to another) sure was the woman of my life because she was completely and utterly unable to show any initiative whatsoever. I guess her husband now has all the initiative she needs. And maybe, i didn’t ask, she wanted me to have all the initiative she needed, but this wasn’t good enough to me.

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One Comment

  1. Hey Marcio, I love your point of view. I don’t want to play games and I want things to be out there in the open and honest. I guess that means at some point I’ll need to take a risk myself and be prepared for rejection. No I don’t believe it is fair for the man to always take the risk – but I get confused by both the advice and experience of other women. There seems to be little honesty around and a lot of game playing in the early stages. A lot of giving off of signals hoping they’ll be correctly interpreted. And I am wondering now if my lack of joining him for coffee was, in his view, a rejection – me showing a lack of interest which is far from the truth of course. I don’t take my friends’ advice in all cases (and it conflicts anyway) – I try to suss it out for myself. Obviously not taking the initiative in the past hasn’t worked in my favour as I am still single. But I am, like everyone else, terrified of rejection. Which is silly really because it doesn’t kill you. Just awkward when you work together if one rejects the other. But thanks for your views – I love hearing the male perspective. Please feel free to continue saying your piece on my blog – I welcome it :-)


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